The criminal among us(chapter1No Way

There was this boy called Anthony he was only 8 years old . He has brown hair and blue eyes,baggy trousers and he is the smartest in the class . One day he saw his dad pick pocketing a lady . Anthony’s dad is a criminal he is real criminal he never stops pick pocketing people. When Anthony was 40 years old he wasn’t that old he didn’t have white hair.

When Anthony was in the woods he saw his dad Anthony said “why are you here”his dad didn’t say anything then while they were walking Anthony’s dad fell on the floor. Then Anthony noticed that he got stabbed at the back.The person who killed him ran and escaped.Anthony body filled with rage and went to catch him. He saw the criminal so he went after but he was thirsty and he fall on the ground. But he didn’t die he was unconscious because he was thirsty. Then a man saw Anthony on the floor then he called the hospital.

4 weeks later Anthony woke up he was angry about that criminal he was confused then Anthony got so angry he started to fight with the doctors the doctors thought that he got a disease but he doesn’t then the doctor got so scared they called the police then they arrested Anthony then they put Anthony in a cell by himself.

In 11 minutes an other criminal escaped then police said ” we only arrested Vivek banjree 2 days ago with all these security how did he escape “. Then the other police said ” if you don’t mind there is a guy which is a criminal and he knows the sycolgy how the prisoner escaped. Then Anthony said ” so I have to catch the prisoner how many minutes ?” Then the police Said “11” then Anthony said”we need a deal” then the police said ” a deal? Then Anthony said “yeah a deal only in my cell a recharge phone or a fan ” then the police said ” are you playing ” then Anthony said” your getting the money and I have do your job is this fare ya”then Anthony said” give me the blueprint of New York .

Then he was scanning the blueprint and he found the way that Vivek banjeree escaped . Then Anthony said ” I think he would go this way so follow me at the back ” then Anthony found the tunnel and he went inside the tunnel and Anthony said ” Vivek would go this way so some polices go on the other side of the tunnel some polices go on the jeep”. After he came out the tunnel and then he said ” polices follow me ” when they were running they was hearing a gun shots then Anthony said ” there he is ” then he pick pocket a police officer gun and shot Vivek on the leg . Then the police said ” trying to escape huh Vivek ” then when the police officer looked back Anthony wasn’t there and the police said ” wheres Anthony? where is he? don’t tell me he escaped no!”

Then Anthony came home and Anthony s mum wasn’t happy with Anthony because he became a criminal . Anthony s mum doesn’t know that Anthony s dad has died . Anthony told the truth Anthony said ” my father died that’s why I became a criminal ” she was crying then mum said ” kill him attack bigger show him the power of Anthony” .

After he came back to the forest he saw the criminal Anthony finally took a big look at the criminal it was his headmaster from high school. Then Anthony said “no way”. Then the other criminal said ” yes way your father killed my father so I got revenge “. After they started to to fight then the criminal had a gun then Anthony snatched it of him and Anthony said ” I will decide when I will die I will also have to decide when you will die”. So he shot him three times and Anthony said ” betrayer betrayer betrayer ” . After Anthony got arrested.

story by David : RB

6 thoughts on “The criminal among us(chapter1No Way

  1. Hi David,
    I really enjoyed reading your post because it is full of detail and effort so well done. It is full of adventures and so much mystery i really really enjoyed it. My favourite part of your post was all of it because it is just AMAZING. I love how you have presented it. You have also used paragraphs which is really good because some people do not but they are meant to. You have used punctuation like a year 5 boy would of that is also very good. This is year 5 standard work which is really good because some people do not but some people do and your one of me. I would just like to ask one question who wrote this post David R or David A?

    To make your work even better you could of used a historical question out the end but otherwise this is a brilliant post. Keep up the good work. Thank you for sharing your wonderful post on the year 5 blog.
    By Ella-Rose..

  2. Hi David,
    Your story was amazing and I really enjoyed reading it. You have added a lot of detail and added paragraphs so everything’s not together. Additionally you have added adjectives to make it sound better to.

    Next time you can read over your work 3 times to make sure it makes sense.

  3. Hi David

    I really liked reading your story because it had a lot of detail and I liked it when you where describing Anthony like when you said that Anthony had brown hair and blue eyes and you said that he was the smartest in the class. I in good that he is the smartest in the class because he does not need to worry about anything and he will have a good job when he is big.

    The bit that I did not like was when Anthony got stabbed on the back then he had to go to the hospital.

    Next time can you make you story a bit more sort because it is to log and people won’t be able to read it all of it so try to make it a bit sort. But it was good.

  4. Hi David R
    I really liked your post when he noticed that his dad was pick pocketing the lady and the other people in the street. You could of said that when he got stabbed in the back his dad was going to catch him not Anthony because Anthony was stabbed in the back. When you said that Anthony and the police were talking to each other you need to say how the are going to say.

    By Sabaoen

  5. Hi David
    I just read your first chapter and I think it was amazing. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was very interesting and you added loads of detail. Next time you could add some pictures so that the reader can get a picture of the story. Otherwise your story was fantastic! Keep it up!

    By Asmita

  6. Hi David R
    This is a really good post because you added lots of detail and you described how Anhony looks like. In the sentence’s there is lots of vowels and there’s lots of nouns and adverbs.
    You can decscribe Vivek banigee so that we now.

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